I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
