this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
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Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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