Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
