Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
