do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
