My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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