Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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