Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
