I got chris browned last night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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