R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
As shirtless as possible
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
These tits shall not be calmed
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
