I just threw up on my dentist
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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