im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
