i may or may not be watching the land before time
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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