i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
