Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
