Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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