Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
