i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Randomize
