ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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