I wanna bring you to show and tell
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
