Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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