how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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