i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
