I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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