It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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