So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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