my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
