I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
