after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
