Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
