I'm laying in your front yard are you home
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
