Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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