Moan for me like Helen Keller
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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