alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he laminated a picture of his dick.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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