mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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