Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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