we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
