i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
