Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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