Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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