Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
