theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
