can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
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Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
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You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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