so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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