you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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