i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...