??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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