He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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