walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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