I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
