have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
