If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
