He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
