Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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