So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
