did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
