Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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